I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
