so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
