I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
