seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
