A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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