dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
