the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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