Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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