I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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