worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
