so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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