She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
