Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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