I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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