We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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