I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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