listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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