Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
