She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
