So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
