Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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