it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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