please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
