My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
