so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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