She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
