You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
