I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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