so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
