i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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