apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
