one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
