I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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