tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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