I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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