Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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