he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
