accomplished twins. life is a go
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
