: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
