Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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