I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
