we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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