weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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