we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
