i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
