i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You ruined the universe
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
