and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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