My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
