1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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