One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
